Dread Pirate Nick Needs a Miracle
by RayKay72
Summary: Princess Jessicup is marrying the evil Prince Samadink. What will the Dread Pirate Nick do to save her? All part of MayaLala's challenge for movie time!


**Okay, are any other roomfriends in a MOOD about the shut out at the Emmys? I found I went from kissing ideas to punching ideas oh-so-quickly for my movie version of New Girl challenge from MayaLala. Still, cannot let Miss MayaLala down, so here she is…**

Winnie pounded his fist on the great, wooden door. "Open up!" he cried, and readjusted the heavy burden draped over his shoulder. Next to him, a little man nervously picked on his violin strings. Winnie sighed and pounded again. "Open the door! We need a miracle NOW," he declared.

A small hinge swung open, and the face of the cabin's owner peeked at Winnie. "Who are you? And why are you darkening my Gilder-imported door mat?"

Winnie peered at the dark eyes for a moment. "Are you Miracle Schmax, who used to work for the king?"

Schmax's eyes narrowed. "Why, yes, I am," he said in a voice dripping with sugary sweetness before he snapped, "I'm also the Miracle Schmax the king's stinking son fired. So if you are here to bring up things that disgust me, why don't you just stick your fingers into the sauce I'm cooking for dinner and be done with it!" He slammed closed the little door.

Winston rolled his eyes and crashed his foot into the door.

"How dare you!" cried Schmax as the door sailed open. "That door is made from wood of the top Floren forests. I have half a mind to call the Brute Squad."

"I'm on the Brute Squad," said the little man next to Winnie.

Schmax stared at him for a moment. "I'm sorry. Did you say you were on the Brute Squad?"

He nodded. "Yea, I'm a giant. I'm Paulsig."

Winnie tossed his heavy load onto the table and leaned over to Schmax. "He's the runt of his family," he whispered. "They let him on the Squad to boost his confidence. He mostly plays music for them to pummel thieves by."

Paulsig smiled. "I also do poems." He raised his bow and started to sing. "Oh once you lived in a palace with the king, until you felt unemployment's sting…."

Winnie slapped his hand over the violin. "That's greeeeat Paulsig, but maybe not helping here."

Schmax scowled at Paulsig, then turned to Winnie. "Okay, and what's your deal?"

In a flash, Winnie drew his sword. "I seek revenge on the six-fingered man who killed my Pop-Pop. When I see him, I will say, 'Hello, my name is Windigo Montoya. You killed my Pop-Pop. Prepare to have a rabid gorilla rip off your arms and beat you to death!" He smiled at Schmax.

"That seems a little, um, off base there," said Schmax. He glanced down to the table and his eyes widened in horror. "Is that a dead person you threw on my table?!"

Windigo laughed. "Nah, that's just the Dread Pirate Nick."

Schmidt leaned over the prone figure on the table. "He looks like the Dead Pirate Nick."

Windigo sighed. "He's passed out cold, and we need to revive him to help us get into the castle. That's why we need you." He cringed as Paulsig strung his bow.

"Oh his love marries another this night, we need your help to stop this plight," sang Paulsig.

Schmidt glared at Paulsig, then shook his head. "No can dosie, boys. My miracle days are over." He sighed and shoved the unconscious Nicky to the side so he could sit on the table. "Let me tell you the story of a young and devilishly handsome miracle man, fresh out of the miracle academy, who took the royal court by storm." Paulsig began a soft and sorrowful song in the background. "He captured the heart of the most beautiful woman in the court. She had luscious lips and a pert little tushie. I can still see it now…"

"Ugh," gagged Winnie. "Do you have a jar?"

"Yes," said Schmax. "Why?"

"I may need it to get sick. Finish the dang story so I can get my miracle."

Schmax sighed. "But when the hideous rake, Prince Samadink, found he was challenged by all _this_ beauty for the hand of my precious flower, he fired me and cast me out." Paulsig's heart-wrenching melody swirled to a halt.

"That's funny. We're out to break up Samadink's wedding," he said, then gasped and sang. "I mean. Oh we seek Miracle Schmax to revive our friend, and bring Prince Samadink's wedding to an end."

A slow smile spread across Schmax's face. "I have an idea." He grasped Paulsig's violin, yanked it out of his hands and smashed it on the table next to Nicky.

The Dread Pirate Nick shot up from the table. "What in the hell was that?" He stared at Schmax for a moment. "Who in the hell is this idiot?"

Schmax tossed the shards of violin at the feet of the stunned Paulsig. "I am Miracle Schmax, awarded Miracle Man Laude at my academy."

"Yeah?" Nicky yelled. "Well what in the hell does an academy know about giving out awards?" He rubbed his head. "Oh God, what day is it?"

Winnie slapped his hand on Nicky' shoulder. "It's wedding day, big man. And we gotta get you to the chapel on time."

Nicky shook his head. "No, Winnie. No." He slid down onto the table. "I told you I wanted to be good and drunk until this day is over."

Looping his arms around Nicky' shoulder, Winnie looked at his friend. "But you promised to help in our quest to avenge Pop-Pop," he said. "I want to look in the eye of his killer and say, 'Hello, my name is Windigo Montoya. You killed my Pop-Pop. Prepare to have a horse infected with smallpox kick you in the head!"

Nicky shook his head. "You gotta work on that, man."

Winnie sighed. "Still too much?"

Nodding, Nicky said, "You need something simpler. You need…What is wrong with him?"

Schmax and Winnie looked over to see Paulsig's face contorted and an odd wheezing noise escaping his lips. Schmax walked over and slapped him on the head. "Stop that! Are you crying? You are literally the ugliest crier I have ever seen." Paulsig squeaked and raced out the door.

Nicky sighed. Leaning against the table, he rubbed his eyes. "I want to help, Winnie, but I cannot go to the castle today. Princess Jessicup does not belong with a pirate like me. She deserves a real prince, like the one she is marrying."

Schmax offered a withered laugh. "Samadink? He's a mule's patootie."

Nicky looked up at Schmax. "Why would you say that?"

Shrugging, Schmax said, "Before I was kicked out of the castle, my darling petunia told me Samadink was looking for some princess he could marry and then off for her money."

"WHAT?" Nicky yelled and grabbed Schmax by the collar of his 600-thread-count tunic. "That is MY Jessicup he is marrying today!" He grabbed Winnie by the arm. "Come on. We have to save her!"

Winnie pulled back on Nicky' arm. "But man, we are outnumbered 30 to 2 at the castle. There is no way we can get in there."

Schmax raised his hand. "Um, I know a way, a side, servants' door." The guys looked at him. "I did say I used to work there, right? I know all the ins and outs of that place. In fact, it's odd no one has ever asked me before how to avoid storming the castle."

Winnie shrugged. "Beats my idea that involved a wheelbarrow and a Holocaust cloak."

Nicky laughed. "You are such a nut with your schemes."

The three of them sneaked closer to the servants' entrance door. A flurry of people raced in and out as preparations for the wedding continued. Nicky felt a knot in his throat. _If only I had been able to tell her how I feel, she would not be in danger now_, he thought. _I may be a lowly pirate, but I'm the lowly pirate who loves her_.

Looking at Nicky, Winnie whispered. "Are you having an inner monologue? 'Cause we really do not have time for that now."

Nicky nodded. "Sorry."

They followed Schmax down a corridor that led to a smaller, wooden door. "This is a secret passage that leads right to the chapel," he told them. "You should be able to get there before the ceremony is over."

Winnie jiggled the door, which stayed firmly in place. "Um, miracle man, could you jimmy the lock or something?"

Schmax shook his head. "Seriously? You guys didn't even pay me for the first miracle." Suddenly, Schmax was hovering several feet in the air. Winnie and Nicky drew their swords as the large man attached to the arm holding Schmax aloft scowled at them.

"I am Coachsig!" he boomed. "Did you break the violin of my brother, Paulsig?"

"Seriously?" squeaked Schmax.

"Who broke my brother's violin?" Coachsig yelled again.

"We did!" declared Winnie. "Now put him down and we'll settle this like men!"

Coachsig dropped Schmax to the ground and smiled. "Settle what?" he laughed. "We've been trying to find a way to get rid of that thing for years. I owe you a debt of gratitude, man."

Winnie returned his smile. "Could you do us a solid and break down this door?" Coachsig shrugged and slammed a fist into the wooden slab. The door swung open. "Thanks, man," he said.

Schmax and Winnie ran into the corridor. Nicky stopped and looked at Coachsig. "I feel like we should have more time with you in this story."

Coachsig slapped a giant hand onto Nicky's shoulder. "No worries, man. I'm coming back soon." He winked at Nicky, who turned and followed his friends.

The wedding was already in full swing by the time they reached the chapel door. They peeled back the door quietly, and edged into the room. There stood Samadink and Jessicup, who Nicky noted looked gorgeous – and sad – in a flowing, white gown. In front of her stood a small Asian man, smiling at the congregation, who nodded and whispered at his vast wisdom.

"Um, is it me, or is that guy not saying anything?" Schmax said, before he noticed Samadink winking at a disgusted bridesmaid. "My flower!" sighed Schmax. The bridesmaid turned and smiled at him. "Come on," he whispered to Nicky and Winnie. "I must free my treasured goddess from her life of misery without me."

"Wait," hissed Nicky. "We don't even have a plan!" But Schmax was already leaping toward the altar.

"I object!" he cried, and grabbed the bridesmaid by the arm, pulling her to him. "This delectable lady-in-waiting is waiting for me no more!"

Samadink narrowed his eyes at Schmax, and nodded to someone in the chapel. A cloaked figure appeared and slowly drew a sword. Winnie gasped and jumped up. "It's the six-fingered man!" he screamed. The cloaked form whipped off the hood.

"Ugh! It is six-FIGURES, not six-fingered, you complete and total idiot. I make six figures," Countess Julia Rogan yelled. "And I am NOT a man! Why does everyone make that mistake?" The henchmen around her looked at the ground or whistled random tunes. "Have you bozos been telling people I am a man? Really?" she seethed. "That's it. I'm kicking everyone's behinds." Before she could lunge at her own men, Winnie jumped in front of her.

"Hello! I am Windigo Montoya. You killed my Pop-Pop. Prepare to…" Julia slammed a fist into Winnie's face. He stared at her as he tasted the slight trickle of blood that ran from his split lip. "DIE!" he yelled and dove at her.

Mayhem ensued as Winnie and the henchmen fended off a berserk Julia, Samadink chased after Schmax and wedding guests screamed as Coachsig raced into the room. "You guys need help? My other job fell through and I thought…." Paulsig dashed behind him. "What do you mean I'm adopted? How can I be an adopted giant? Look at me!"

Nicky dodged flying flowers and henchmen as he made his way to the altar. There sat Jessicup, watching the chaos unfold around her. "Jess!" called Nicky. She looked his way. Her face lighted up when she saw him, and his heart clenched.

"Nicky! You're here!" she yelled and raced to him.

"Don't marry that guy," Nicky said quickly, holding her at arms' length to keep himself from pulling her into the embrace he so desperately wanted. "He's only marrying you for your money. You deserve so much better than that."

"I know," she said, and wrapped her arms around Nicky's neck and pulled him close. Her lips eased toward his.

He sighed and stepped away. "Jess, you deserve better than a lowly pirate. I'm going to get you somewhere safe, and then you have to stay away from me. Do you understand?"

Jess gave him a slight smile. "Have you been having inner monologues of self-doubt again?" He opened his mouth, but did not reply. "Nicky, the world would be so bleak without you," she said. "I told Samadink he could have all my money, but that I would never love him. That I could only love you."

The air rushed from Nick's lungs. "You love me? And you would rather have Samadink kill you than be without me?"

Her smile fell. "Kill me? Um, he never mentioned that," she said. Nicky moved to hold her, but she was jerked violently away.

"No so fast, you villainous pirate," sneered Samadink, heaving Jessicup closer to him and aiming a dagger toward her throat. "I'd kill her before I let you steal her away." Narrowing her eyes, Jessicup stomped on his foot and shoved him away. Nicky jumped in between them, sword drawn, and then men circled one another.

Jessicup looked for something to throw at Samadink, but saw the harmonious face of the clergyman instead. "Please," she said as she raced to him. "Do something, Bishop Tran!"

Tran looked at her and smiled. Then he looked at the whirling chaos of the congregation. Slowly, one by one, each fighting, punching, running, screaming member looked at him. They sighed and nodded. "He's so right," said some. "What were we thinking?" said others, as they leaned in for hugs from henchmen and bridesmaids alike.

Schmax looked around. "But he's not SAYING anything!" he yelled. His goddess smiled and took his hand, leading him toward the door.

Winnie spun around as the mass of people began to exit, some hugging, some humming, all content. "But what about Pop-Pop?" he called.

A rather older henchmen tiptoed up to Winnie. "Pssssst!" he hissed. Windigo looked up to see the bushy mustache of his beloved Pop-Pop. "Shhhhh, Winnie. I faked my own death. The ultimate con! There were some Russians not to happy with me for…well, never mind that. Let's just say I had to disappear."

Winnie threw his arms around the older man, then stepped back. "How could you let me think you were dead? How could you let me swear vengeance for you? I threw away my life to find the six-fingered…Aw, heck. I can't stay mad at you! Come here, you bushy-haired Pop-Pop!"

Nicky walked over and slipped his hand into Jess'. He smiled, but caught a flash from the corner of his eye. Jess saw it as well and yanked Nicky out of the way just as Samadink's dagger flew past. It landed next to Tran, who walked over to Sam, smiled, and flipped his skinny behind over his shoulder. Samadink landed on the ground with a thud, the wind knocked out of him.

"Way to go, Tran!" yelled Nicky. He looked at Jess. "I guess there is just one thing left to do to make this a happily-ever-after ending." He leaned in toward Jess. "Jess," he whispered. "_Jess…._"

She felt a gentle nudge on her arm. "Jess, wake up," he said. Jess' eyes fluttered open. She looked up to see the face of her scruffy pirate…or boyfriend…Nick. "Hey," he laughed softly. "You fell asleep watching a movie." Jess looked up to see Wesley and Buttercup astride horses, leaning into a tender kiss.

She sighed and stretched next to him. "I wanted to wait up for you," she said with a sleepy smile.

Nick smiled at her. "Well, I'm home now," he said, brushing the hair gently away from her eyes.

Jess caught his hand in hers and kissed his palm. "Then take me to bed, Miller," she said. A devious look twinkled in his eyes as he leaned down and swept Jess into his arms.

"As you wish," he whispered, and carried her to the bedroom.


End file.
